oddbirdblue

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 07:29:32 GMT

how do you deal with people that you love and hate at the same time?
damn

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 23:01:42 GMT

Jason needs to ask me to prom.
the end.

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 01:47:33 GMT

i think i'm loosing my mind
i don't know how to stop it

:/

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 03:53:35 GMT

besides mcr shows,
best 24 hours of my life.

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 03:00:30 GMT

its over.
everything is dead.
my heart, soul... everything

i don't care what happens to me
i just don't want him to be hurt or sad.
i hate the fact that i got him in trouble.
i can't stop shaking

my mom is horrible.
the only reason she cares is because she wants the perfect daughter.

please just let him be ok.

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 05:08:42 GMT

i passed my drivers test!!!
YAYAYA
i'll never be home again.
:]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 06:30:38 GMT

so i really do think my head is going to explode.
feels like there is someone knocking on my head with a hammer.
i had to stay at the SAT thing till 9 which is lame because an extra 30 minutes of math is horrible.
what would realllllllllllly make me happy is a text in the morning with "i hope you feel better" or "may your day be great" pretty much something to get me out of this gloom.

my head, heart and body hurt... badly

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 08:20:31 GMT

sooo tonight was the first night in a long time that i've had a lot of fun besides with Nacho

Kenzie and i went to the coffee grove to hang out with Wendy
Will ended up being there and his friend max showed up.
Will is a very nice boy who likes to flare his coat collar.
Kenzie and i spoke a little mayan for everyone.
The time passed very quickly and we all decided to go see Pan's Labyrinth which was a very good movie.
Creepy dude with eyes for hands will give me nightmares.

pretty much the only bad part of the night is getting hit on by guys in huge cars while your driving.
blah!

On another issue
i'm confused about things
close friends: you know what i'm talking about
its hard to hold on to someone that wants to leave.
but i want him to be happy, always.
i'll always be there for him, even if its as a friend.
somehow i'll get through this all.
to be honest i'm scared of asking him stuff
i'm scared he will get angry like before
besides i don't want to be nosy.
i just wish he would trust me.

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 07:53:37 GMT

my heart hurts

i've already drowned myself in tears

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 05:59:00 GMT

how did mary die?

a tire hit her in the face!

what was she doing near tires?

no, this tire hunted mary down.

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 05:18:21 GMT

i know i said i won't give up on life but isn't it tempting?
when life says "heres a problem" to respond with "naw i think i'll just sit this one out"
Nacho and i have officially become just friends.
of course i'm crying
of course i'm calling kenzie
of course i'm trying to talk myself through this.

he really breaks my heart the way she broke his.
i understand that hes not over her
but he won't let me in at all.
he doesn't see that i wont screw him over.
it hurts so much to know he really doesn't trust me

on another side i can't be mad at him at all
its not his fault he doesn't want to be with me
i just wish i could be different. older mostly.
this could be really good for him though
maybe he'll meet someone who will reallllly make him forget about her and heal his pain.

so i will handle being friends with him.
i just want him to be open with me.
trust me a little.
i'd rather have him as a friend then nothing
but i hope we are actual friends
not the type that you say hi to once and a while

with the help of my ipod i will make it through this
i dont know whether i should really try and move on
or wait for him.
somehow i think that he doesn't even want to be with me when im 18
it hurts... so very much. to the point of where i can't stop shaking.
merry christmas indeed.

maybe he needs me to just be his friend. whatever. i'll always be there for him
i would be anything he wants me to be, and now i think he needs me as a friend only.

i'll be happy with what i can get from him

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 05:54:58 GMT

i give up on the secret to life.
i'll never know it.
and i'm sick of worrying about the future.
soon i'll spend to much of my time worrying
and miss all the grand stuff pass me by.
from now on its only thinking about the present.

life has been doing okay for now.
i just have to trust in it.
:] my heart will lead me to where i should be

tonight i did some painting for a while.
i quite enjoy it.

tomorrow: japanese flower gardens!!!
long beach!!

i'm wearing my sundress.

ps. winter formal is coming soon....
oh dear. we all know i love formal dances.
i think i'll go alone. the only person i want to ask i can't take.
meh. hahahaha.

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 19:58:52 GMT

sunday sunday SUNDAY!
i wouldn't say i'm in a great mood but i'm pretty close
iunnnno why
i have to go to work early today
1-8pm. sounds fun
someone should show up and keep me company
my parents are going to be in a distant land so thats good.

pretty last week was horrible
very blah blah
so i've decided that starting today it will be a wonderful week.
i dont need stress right now so i'm going to will it all away
try to be super happy and see things on the bright side even more then usual.
i hate being depressed and its time i stop.

everything will fall correctly into place.
because i believe that is the way the world works
everything happens for a reason.

"our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it"
- Kahlil Gibran

today is a brand new day and i have to make the most of it.

on a christmas note: i'm glad to only have to be getting gifts for close friends this year. last year i had to get one for each volleyball team member and that was horrrrible.

list: kenzie, nacho, emily, and alicia... well so far at least.

so i know my mom got me the Sims game. ahhh i can't wait. i love that game.

i also really want a kitty, bunny or another corn snake. Daisuke is lonely i believe. i feel he wants a friend besides me. and of course we all know i would LOVE to have another one.

now i have to go shower for work. someone call. or come by. i beg of you.

cheers!

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 19:35:21 GMT

i'm shaking so hard
and i'm falling so fast

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 06:25:18 GMT

"i pushed away a wonderful girl so it wouldn't hurt so much when she left."

the male species can be so blind sometimes.
if you love your girl, she won't leave you.
time to open your hearts and let her in.
you don't want to regret anything now do you?

if hear one more of my friends cry again...
guys just be nice. she can break you know?

on the bright side i do have some friends who relationships seem to be doing well.
good. they deserve it.

point: boys stop hurting my friends, shes not going anywhere, she loves you! please i beg you, wake up and see her for the great person she is. don't shut down, your not the only one hurting. also 10 bucks says that she really would like to know what your feeling.

ahh i feel much better.

tip: check out kelceys bf matt. he treats her super well and whenever he looks at her you can see that he really really really cares (at the play when he was watching her preform, so cute, you could tell how proud of her he was).

i'm not saying males are horrible blah blah
but i think that they dont see how much they really can destroy us with the smallest things.
they don't see it at all, and most of the time us girls won't mention it.
we can hold in our pain for a really long time before we let you see it.

cheers
<3

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 02:54:09 GMT

blestz172: o rly?
tastingskin: O RLY?

hahah yeahhhh kenz.

this week has been sucking apples so far.

my cell has gone insane sending triple messages to people
and sending them out late and giving me them late too.

i have to start looking for colleges and to be honest i really don't know where im going.
my grades would be good if i didn't have the math from hell.
my grade is going up in art history = sweeeet

at school its hard to not want to kill yourself with the wind and ice like air
it was 55 degrees out today!
wee sa!

all in all.
i've been blah blah for a while.
i can't wait for the weekend.

cheers

Oh why cant I be what you need
a new improved version of me
but i'm nothing so good
no i'm nothing
just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence of love and of sorrow
i beg for just one more tomorrow
where you hold me down fold me in
deep deep deep in the heart of your sins
I break in two over you
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you dont see me, you dont...

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 05:59:59 GMT

what a night
:]

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 07:11:47 GMT

happy thanksgiving lj people
not that i know many of you...

the food was so so so good tonight.
half of it was because i wasn't allowed to eat before it at all
no breakfast no lunch. i had to wait.
so i was a little hungry.

all of the younger crowd played ping pong
of course mark kicked all of our asses
but i put some volleyball moves in ;]

Nacho has been calling drunk.
i can't help it, hes very cute like this
sadly he threw up in his friends bed.
i hope he feels okay in the morning
we've been doing well
figured things out.
as long as hes happy, i can't complain :]

tomorrow i think i'm getting up at 6 or 7
shopping with my sister.
ohhhh dear.
so i have to call all my friends and see what they want.

bonfire has been moved to saturday
mostly because not a lot of people can do it friday

now i think i'll go listen to some music
and think of ideas for christmas presents people would want.

cheers!

ps. when is dane cook coming out with new stuff?
i've listened to all of his stuff at least 21 times each now.

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 02:32:12 GMT

and now somehow i feel soooo much better

its gotta be the fact that shannon and i decided we're going to marry.
and have a relationship based on dane cook

score!

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 00:22:10 GMT

i'm crying right now
i have no idea why
nothing bad has happened today
i had a great weekend
but i'm crying.

i feel like curling into a ball
and hiding under my covers and never coming out

i just have this horrible feeling inside

maybe its just this monday
everyone knows i hate mondays and sundays
2 usually horrible days
but i guess since i had a good sunday
monday just has to bite me in the ass

i should be happy.
right?
when you look at my life
some would say
"oh she's has it good"
and this is the time to be thankful.

i have great friends.
a decent homework load (i know, how sad that it matters)
a mom who makes coffee in the morning and does try to make me happy
a comfortable home
a sister whos willing to talk to me 24 hours a day if i must
a best friend who i will sit on the phone with me for 2 hours while i wait for a fatefull call. she listens when i cry and can't even make sense.
Nacho seems to actually want to talk to me.

i know i've told them that i've actually been happy for the last couple of days

but it all just came crashing on me again

some say
"be happy you've at least had boyfriends"
"be happy you at least have a mom"
"be happy you can feel safe at night"

but i can't help but wish to be anywhere but here right now.
out of california
out of the US
off of this earth.
i dont care i want to be out of this house.

i had some questions i wanted to ask someone tonight but i don't think i will.
i don't want to cause drama.

on a happier note: doing another bonfire this friday. We've all decided to invite joe. He seems like a nice guy. I would invite Nacho but he seems to always be busy and i don't think he really would want to come. Hopefully this time i won't freeze my fingers and toes off. i did love the last bonfire.

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 04:58:05 GMT

Dear Santa

please send the following:
you don't even have to wait until christmas.
just bring send them right along.

(the satellite is for my silent hill aka. horrible phone lines)

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 03:04:43 GMT

i went to school late today but ended up just coming home again
i feel sick
like any minute i'm going to faint
sharp pains in the stomach.
i think its from the stress
When my mom first found out about nacho a while back
i threw up every morning for 4 days.

him and i are talking which i'm so happy for.
i like it when he calls. Like last night.
i didnt expect it at all but i was so happy.

My friends are confused. they want to know if we're on a break or broken up.
all he said was "i don't think we should be together" that counts as broken up.
some time we are going to have to talk about it. i just don't want to bring it up
and i don't make him feel uncomfortable. its a wonder in its self that he still talks to me
but everyone knows its true that if he does stop talking to me i will shut down for a long time.
i wonder if he wants his bracelet back?

My tutor for math came. shes a funny old woman.
on a random note i would really like a puppy or kitty.
sure i have Summer the dog who won't stop licking. but shes one biggg lab
and crushes me when ever she decides to "wake me up"
i'll take a bunny too.
some i can hold at night and play with during the day.
a little pet i can pour my love into.
bunnys are only $30 so if any of you would just go and get me one....
i'd love you forever.
that or sunflowers. i'm in the mood for sunflowers.
doesnt matter who you are. just send them over and you would make my day

i'm so excited!!! i can drive in 12 days! well sure i have to get the car and whatnot but still!
my mom and i have already talked about how i'll never be home once i get my car. She knows me.
i'll be at barnes and noble everyday or at a coffee shop.
i don't mind. i'll eat alone and go to the mall alone.
Of course i will be sneaking off to see my friends and whatnot
which is perfect because my mom knows that i spend about 3 hours at book stores and 3 hours at coffee shops. she'll never think i'm gone for too long.

then maybe on saturday mornings i'll check out nacho's soccer teams.
bring them sunny delight and watch while all the moms glare at me for giving their child sugar.
it will be wonderful.

sadly i do have to go to school tomorrow, lots to turn in.
but i wish i could drive now so i could go eat lunch or ice cream or something.
sounds dandy to me. I'm waiting for some delivery guy to show up with ice cream.

this weekend i think i'm spending with emily mostly.
Mackenzie will be busy friday and emily and i will try and find something to do.
Saturday i was planning on going to the gwar show with kenzie, kenny and jack but kenny can't drive us that day. So i think we're going to ask mr. allix to take us. i haven't hung out with him since summer. Of course we all know i would like to hang out with nacho but he will mostly likely be busy. Oh and my sister wants to hang out, shes awesome she'll drive me anywhere and i'm allowed to "spend the night" at her place. Because shes my sister and my mom believes that.

Nacho and i talked for a while (yay!). i can't help but love our convos about random things. After that i watched flight plan. not a bad movie at all. i really enjoyed it.

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 23:37:56 GMT

i dont know why i'm still writing.
journals in general seem to screw me over.
last night nacho told me that we shouldn't be together.
he has read the entry before this.

I'M SUCH A SCREW UP!!
dont you hate it when you write something when your in the heat of the moment and then an hour later, you don't really mean half the stuff you said.

i re read what i had wrote before... i sound like i can do nothing wrong and he goes out of this way to hurt me or something! nay! he is wonderful! and believe me if your a friend you know that i speak nothing but great things about him. As long as he knows i was 134% happy being with him

maybe he thinks i can't handle this stuff because i'm younger? i don't know. all i know is that i don't want to loose him. at all.

If at all possible i would still want to be his friend. We were before we dated and things were fine. Hes a great person and i have so much fun with him. i don't want to loose that. We've all heard stories were ex couples are still great friends? maybe that could be us? he won't take me back or anything... he said he was final on it. I just want him to be happy. he better not think he was a bad bf or made me sad all the time. he knows i'd give anything for him.

then again if he wants nothing to do with me then i'll have to accept that also. i just wish he could tell me!

This morning i woke up and couldn't move. at first i thought i was a bad dream and then i remembered... i was alone. so i stayed in bed until the last ten minutes before i left. It was raining today. The first time in a while.

i seriously don't know what to do. when i get like this i start shaking. hasn't stopped since last night when he left for the gym. i've been shaking since. Lunch was cold and gloomy. couldn't eat really. Emily has said she'll come over later with some fries and we'll watch a movie together. She still hasn't seen pride and prejudice but i'm not sure i want to watch that right now because it might make me even more depressed, when usually it brings hope about love.

i wish he would call so we could talk about things.
i won't call him. i don't want to be a annoyance
i wish i had deleted that entry.
i wish we can at least be good friends.
yes i can handle that. i wouldn't throw myself at him!
but it would still be nice you know... to have him in my life.

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 23:46:34 GMT

i forgot that livejournal is a perfect place to rant and rave about things.
so last weekend was good.
i went to a bonfire on friday.
we cooked many hotdogs and marshmellows and some people got a little to into the fire.
i cuddled with emily most of the night because nacho had a game.
but before the bonfire i got to see him.
lets just say that 3 hours can go a long way.

not so happy about this girl named "self made" on myspace. she is the cheerleading coach at Nacho's work. this chick leaves interesting little comments on his page. nothing horrible but just enough to where i would really like to his response but guess what? PRIVATE PROFILE!!! roar, and she isn't adding anyone. believe me i've tried. i've also seen a picture she had up once. it was taken on halloween and 4 people are sitting on the couch. one of them is my boyfriend with some girl pretty much on his lap. His hand is on her leg. But since this picture isn't huge because i can't look at it all the way, i can't be sure of whats truly happening. so of course i'm NOT happy about that at all and i haven't said anything to him about it.

but lets go back a couple of weeks.

Nacho has informed me that he still thinks about his ex and misses her in a way. Another thing i learned is that i'm way more into him then he is to me. Don't get me wrong, he cares and yes likes me a lot but not to the degree i feel. which if you know me, i'm head over heels for him.
He knows that this isn't fair and hes trying, and it does mean a lot to me. But sometimes i think he knows that i won't really yell at him for anything so he knows he can get away with stuff. Like forgetting to call and not saying sorry or i'm guessing cuddling up with some girl. i'm not an idiot. hes older and goes to parties. I know that girls will flirt and he might/ will flirt back. Once and a while though it would be nice for him to think about how i might feel about that. I remember when we first starting dating how sweet he was. always saying he missed me and cute little things that would make me feel like flying. i can't tell if he thinks that all of that doesn't matter anymore or just settling into a normal thing.

i need affection. physical and emotional. i need to feel wanted or else i'll sit at home all day thinking about it. which isn't good because then i start to get angry which leads to other things.

i'm not saying hes a bad boyfriend. i'm saying it hurts to be the one who cares so much and not really have it returned. i won't lie, i think about him in some way 98% of the day. 40% of that worrying.

another thing is that he doesn't really talk about his feelings about me a lot. i like talking about the relationship. i want to know if somethings wrong or if somethings great. i like to know if i do or did something that he liked so i can do it more. seriously all i want to do is make him happy.

sometimes i feel that i expect to much. i think that he doesn't feel the same anymore. i mean i really really feel that. I've talked to my friends boyfriends about this. they say that usually you can tell if a guy is interested and i must say i dont' think he is at all.

mackenzie put it this way "if you didn't like him so much, you would dump him". If my friend were in the place i am, i'd feel like taking out the shotgun but its me... and i care so damn much.

why is it wrong to be with the one you love?

he's said that i treat him so much better than his ex.. well you would think that he would want to keep me around more yeah?

he lost my bracelet today. he didn't really say sorry or that he was sad that he lost it. i know guys aren't into bracelets or whatever but i mean the whole concept meant something to me. he wears mine and i wear his.

i'll be honest. i'm not going to give up on him. i just hope one day he can see how much i care.
i know lately the past couple of days he has been trying. and it does help so much. He means the world to me, i just hope i can keep him long enough for him to feel the same.

anyways in short: bre likes nacho mucho.

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 05:23:47 GMT

this week is another great one.
classes have gone by fast and i get to see nacho mucho this weekend.
volleyball game thursday at vp. i can't wait to see my emie play.

kenz was sick though one day. that wasn't cool. who was there in japanese to feel my pain at being in a class with kelcey?

heres a pic i took today.
i dont think its that great of one but oh well

at least it doesn't have a yellow backround